West Charlotte

On Monday I saw a 12 year old with an afro, equipped with an afro pick, buy a slim jim condom in a gas station bathroom.  Upon receiving said condom for 50 cents, quite the steal, he enthusiastically chirped “yay”!

A lady asked me if my elevator was going down…I told her, “eventually”.  (I had this on my fb but I think it’s funny so I put it on here too.  Get off my fucking back already.)

On my last trip home I ran into one of my art teachers from high school.  I couldn’t remember her name at first, but I was thinking Mrs. Rinkle.  The problem was that she is pushing 70 and I feel that if that was incorrect it would be a very offensive guess.

Sherwin-Williams’ (the paint company) slogan is “Cover the Earth”.  I am shocked that in these post 9/11 times we still have such obvious bio-terrorists living amongst us in the U.S.

I drove past a used car dealership that had zero cars in the lot.  My first thought was, “what a dump!”  Then I felt guilty because maybe they are the greatest used car salesmen on EARTH!….either way the lot would be empty…I regret making a hasty assumption basically.

I used to work at a Thai restaurant where they taught me to cook on the industrial gas stove.  I was always impressed by how the cooks could manage the dish with their hands, while controlling the gas by moving a lever with their knee.  Last weekend I tried making some Thai food in my apartment but when it came to adjust the heat, I caught my crotch on fire.

I am not partial to cigarettes, but I must say, the one advantage of second hand smoke is that it give my boogers a rich, smokey, flavor that I just can’t find with normal allergens.

Since my window for professional sports has passed, one of my major reasons for staying in shape is to allude an attacker.  Though, I am not confident that I could hoist my mother over a wall if we were being pursued.  This depresses me deeply.

Fayetteville, NC

I’m back baby!

I play basketball at the YMCA with a guy who wears two Lance Armstrong yellow bracelets.  And judging from the fact that this guy does NOT have cancer I think he may seriously be on to something.  One bracelet means you support cancer awareness, two bracelets and you are immune to the disease.  Three bracelets and you can give cancer at will to your enemies.  At that point one bracelet would probably become an anklet.

Subway has started some sort of suggestive selling strategy at all their restaurants.  As you order a sandwich they try to suggest you upgrade to a more expensive feature at every go.  This has made my sandwich buying experience very hostile.  Tonight for instance, I had to tell the lady NO, I do not want a footlong.  No, I do not want double meat nor double cheese nor double bacon.  NO, I do not want lettuce or tomatoes and I would appreciate if you did not judge me seeing you have not had a vegetable in 12 years 300 lb lady.   NO, I do not want to make this a meal.  Ok, yes, I do want a cookie, but the point stands.  They don’t even form these ideas as questions, instead they make assumptions that you have to correct them on.  I’m afraid Subway is going to lose a lot of business from people who have a fear of confrontation, or these people will no longer be able to afford it once their meals rings up to 27 dollars.

I’ve come up with a charity that I would like to start once I win the lottery.  I plan on buying low impact florescent light bulbs for the poor.  This will reduce their carbon footprint while saving them money on their electricity bill.  I plan on calling the charity “Lights for Darkies”.

I want a dog and the kind of dog I want is called an idontfuckingremember.  It doesn’t matter, what matters is that they have had success using this breed of dog, orginally bred to protect sheep in the Italian mtns, to protect penguins from coyotes and wolves.  If that doesn’t sound like the plot for a Disney movie then I just don’t know what does.  The dogs name will be Vinny, or some other authentic sounding Italian name.  The movie will start with him being shipped from his home in Europe to the Southern tip of Afrika.  Here we meet a loveable crew of penguins with authentic Afrikan names like Shakikan, Tupac, and Monique.  At first Vinny will seems distant yet strong, though inside he misses his home : ( Soon he warms to the penguins and faces his nemisis the wolf.  But there is an internal struggle, the wolf and Vinny have a shared past, they are cut from the same cloth.  The wolf even goes as far as to invite Vinny into the pack.  WHAT WILL VINNY DO?  It really writes itself.

Recently I’ve been attending a non-denominational church.  When choosing a church I have a strict policy on praise hands.  My policy is if more than 10% of the congregation have their hands in the air during a praise song I get uncomfortable and leave.  Luckily, it’s Christmas time and despite the fucker’s best efforts to freestyle on “O Come O Come Emanuel”, it has seriously decreased the number of hands in the air and I do care.