West Charlotte

On Monday I saw a 12 year old with an afro, equipped with an afro pick, buy a slim jim condom in a gas station bathroom.  Upon receiving said condom for 50 cents, quite the steal, he enthusiastically chirped “yay”!

A lady asked me if my elevator was going down…I told her, “eventually”.  (I had this on my fb but I think it’s funny so I put it on here too.  Get off my fucking back already.)

On my last trip home I ran into one of my art teachers from high school.  I couldn’t remember her name at first, but I was thinking Mrs. Rinkle.  The problem was that she is pushing 70 and I feel that if that was incorrect it would be a very offensive guess.

Sherwin-Williams’ (the paint company) slogan is “Cover the Earth”.  I am shocked that in these post 9/11 times we still have such obvious bio-terrorists living amongst us in the U.S.

I drove past a used car dealership that had zero cars in the lot.  My first thought was, “what a dump!”  Then I felt guilty because maybe they are the greatest used car salesmen on EARTH!….either way the lot would be empty…I regret making a hasty assumption basically.

I used to work at a Thai restaurant where they taught me to cook on the industrial gas stove.  I was always impressed by how the cooks could manage the dish with their hands, while controlling the gas by moving a lever with their knee.  Last weekend I tried making some Thai food in my apartment but when it came to adjust the heat, I caught my crotch on fire.

I am not partial to cigarettes, but I must say, the one advantage of second hand smoke is that it give my boogers a rich, smokey, flavor that I just can’t find with normal allergens.

Since my window for professional sports has passed, one of my major reasons for staying in shape is to allude an attacker.  Though, I am not confident that I could hoist my mother over a wall if we were being pursued.  This depresses me deeply.

Fayetteville, NC

I’m back baby!

I play basketball at the YMCA with a guy who wears two Lance Armstrong yellow bracelets.  And judging from the fact that this guy does NOT have cancer I think he may seriously be on to something.  One bracelet means you support cancer awareness, two bracelets and you are immune to the disease.  Three bracelets and you can give cancer at will to your enemies.  At that point one bracelet would probably become an anklet.

Subway has started some sort of suggestive selling strategy at all their restaurants.  As you order a sandwich they try to suggest you upgrade to a more expensive feature at every go.  This has made my sandwich buying experience very hostile.  Tonight for instance, I had to tell the lady NO, I do not want a footlong.  No, I do not want double meat nor double cheese nor double bacon.  NO, I do not want lettuce or tomatoes and I would appreciate if you did not judge me seeing you have not had a vegetable in 12 years 300 lb lady.   NO, I do not want to make this a meal.  Ok, yes, I do want a cookie, but the point stands.  They don’t even form these ideas as questions, instead they make assumptions that you have to correct them on.  I’m afraid Subway is going to lose a lot of business from people who have a fear of confrontation, or these people will no longer be able to afford it once their meals rings up to 27 dollars.

I’ve come up with a charity that I would like to start once I win the lottery.  I plan on buying low impact florescent light bulbs for the poor.  This will reduce their carbon footprint while saving them money on their electricity bill.  I plan on calling the charity “Lights for Darkies”.

I want a dog and the kind of dog I want is called an idontfuckingremember.  It doesn’t matter, what matters is that they have had success using this breed of dog, orginally bred to protect sheep in the Italian mtns, to protect penguins from coyotes and wolves.  If that doesn’t sound like the plot for a Disney movie then I just don’t know what does.  The dogs name will be Vinny, or some other authentic sounding Italian name.  The movie will start with him being shipped from his home in Europe to the Southern tip of Afrika.  Here we meet a loveable crew of penguins with authentic Afrikan names like Shakikan, Tupac, and Monique.  At first Vinny will seems distant yet strong, though inside he misses his home : ( Soon he warms to the penguins and faces his nemisis the wolf.  But there is an internal struggle, the wolf and Vinny have a shared past, they are cut from the same cloth.  The wolf even goes as far as to invite Vinny into the pack.  WHAT WILL VINNY DO?  It really writes itself.

Recently I’ve been attending a non-denominational church.  When choosing a church I have a strict policy on praise hands.  My policy is if more than 10% of the congregation have their hands in the air during a praise song I get uncomfortable and leave.  Luckily, it’s Christmas time and despite the fucker’s best efforts to freestyle on “O Come O Come Emanuel”, it has seriously decreased the number of hands in the air and I do care.

Chattanooga, TN

I am sitting in the Chattanooga Choo Choo hotel as I type this post.

Earlier this afternoon I walked to a gas station with a coworker of mine to get some beer for drinking.  While the majority of Chatt seems to be a very nice town, we somehow found the ghetto.  To make matters worse my coworker is racist and used the N-word several times in describing the neighborhood and its inhabitants.  To make matters better! the gas station sold porno dvds.  There were three options signified by the covers, stating “Adult Pornographic DVD:” and then either “White”, “Black”, or “Latina”.  They were even color coded but not how you would assume, white porn was in a neon yellow case.  This morning as I was driving into Chattanooga through the Blue Ridge Mtns I saw a business called “Butts Grading Service”.  I of course had my butt graded and received a B+.  High marks were given for size and firmness but the male genitalia dangeling near by dropped me to a high B… just like college : (

I ate lunch in Brunswick, GA yesterday which has recently been in the news for a man slaughtering 7 people in a trailor home.  I ate at the IHOP, the perfect way to avoid such company, and had a very filling omelet.  The lady two boothes down got a togo box for her pancakes.  Because if pancakes are delicious fresh, imagine sitting in butter and syrup for six hours in the fridge!

Port Charlotte

I just had to google what town I’m staying in.  Oh me.

I bought my first George Foreman Lean Mean Fat Reducing Machine this weekend.  That son of a bitch cut me! I know it’s mean but i didn’t realize it displayed such unprovoked aggression.  As I was carrying the box through Target it gave me an inch long cardboard cut on my bicep that is now scarring.  Though it is not as bad as my trip to Target the day before.  I was pushing a cart down the main aisle and thinking to myself  how there were more lovely ladies than usual when I stubbed my pinky toe on the cart.  I yelped and grabbed my foot and tripped, still in the middle of the main aisle.

Here’s a joke I’ve been working on.  It’s terrible I know.

A white man approaches a chicken and asks the chicken for directions to the local sex shop.  The chicken ponders for a second and replies “cluck cluck cluck”.  Chickens can’t talk! Don’t be ridiculous!  A few minutes later a black man approaches the very same chicken and asks for directions to the local strip club.  The chicken stares coldly back at the black man and says nothing, stupid racist chicken.

Labor Day

At volleyball on Wednesday I accidentally called a guys unborn child “creepy”.  He had a sonogram picture, not even a day old, on his Iphone and dropped it down in front of my face.  I immediately thought it was a big black and white eyeball and opened my mouth a little sooner than I probably should have.  For the record, it did look like  a monster’s eyeball.

Early that day I drove threw a flock of butterflies on the highway and it was a beautiful massacre.  It was like my car was being followed by a trail of weightless rose petals falling from the sky.  My wind shield was a mess for the next couple hours though.

I thought up my idea of a perfect date while standing in a gas station bathroom this week.  Step 1: buy a lobster, construction paper, and a hot glue gun.  Step 2: boil the lobster and make a heartfelt card out of the paper and glue.  Step 3: enjoy dinner and present card.  Step 4: use rubber band from lobster claw and hot glue gun to make a homemade  textured cock-ring and fuck like bunnies!

Hotlanta

I was in the grocery store yesterday and I couldn’t help but notice a cute young thang shopping in the produce section.  So after I swept in for a closer look I realized that this lady was being assisted by an employee.  She was being assisted because, despite being at least 21 y/o, she had no idea what she was doing.  She had to ask for clarification for putting produce in a clear plastic bag, and she announced that she and her live in bf are trying to live on $50 a week for food.  Here’s a helpful tip, if you only have $50 for two people a week for food, maybe you weren’t ready to leave the nest and probably exit the produce section.  I personally spend about 8 dollars a week on raspberries.  I also found it very interesting that she is allergic to apples; I’ve never heard of that before.  I have told people that I am allergic to mushrooms, though I’m not.  I find that if you tell someone you have an allergy they make a bigger effort to avoid cooking with that item than if you just have serious disdain for mushrooms.  No one ever tells you that your allergy won’t be affected because they cut the culprit into realllly tiny pieces.  I CAN STILL TASTE THEM MOM.  This spring while eating at the always over the top Texas Roadhouse, my disgustingly chipper waiter kept pitching the shrimp deal, even after I had ordered.  So I told him I was Jewish.  He didn’t understand.

There is a slasher horror flick coming out soon called Sorority Row.  I really hate horror movies to begin with and this one looks particularly bad.  One of my biggest qualms, aside from horror movies do no good for society, is that they always kill beautiful young women.  So what if they have an attitude problem?  Hotties are America’s greatest asset.  Once China buys up all our treasury notes they are going to be looking to buy something new…bam!  More to the point it’s always far more tragic when a young person dies than an elderly person.  I don’t mean to sound heartless but it is true, look at the media coverage of teen deaths vs. elderly terminal patients.  So, I just think it would be fitting to have a horror movie starring a dozen of the sexiest 80 year olds hollywood has to offer.  The movie can have all the same suspense, but it will run longer because they move slower, and in the end no tools in the audience will make cracks about waisting a nice pair of titties.  And to make a social statement in sync with the times, Obama could be the bad guy along with his panel of death agents!

Poop

Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and think I’m getting a little soft across the midsection.  Then I realize I have not pooped in a couple days, and I feel better.

Myrtle Beach

Checking into my hotel I was given a bag of cheddar Simply Chex.  On the front of the bag it says “More of What you Love!”  When I eat Chex Mix the order in which I eat the ingredients are bagel chips, pretzels, bread sticks, and then I throw away the Chex and go find a different snack.

On my flight home Sunday I sat next to idiots.  First, the lady directly next to me was constatly trying to text message throughout the entire flight.  Not suprising she had no service but still continued to try and send the message every couple minutes.  Obviously when she was raised her mother taught her that rules, even those in place to protect people, apply to everyone but her.  Then the man across the aisle to my right had 7 mini shots of Baileys in a 90 minute flight.  What a balla.  The far younger woman he was courting said to herself, though the man and I both heard her, why would anyone pack a tennis racket.  The man replied because he probably wanted to practice tennis.  I was the one with a tennis racket sticking out of my bag.  I wonder when she first spoke, what she supposed; butterfly swatting?  I also found that delayed flights bring out the worst in humanity.  It seems very obvious to me to let people in the rows in front of you exit first.  If you are in a hurry, perhaps help the young lady with her bags!  When I got off a plane for a business trip this summer I was exiting the airport about the same time as the wife beating skin head that sat in front of me.  As we walked side by side I heard him proclaim into his cell phone that he was ready to get off the plane and away from all those stupid mother fuckers. And so on and so on.

At church camp in 6th grade, a fellow cabin mate of mine lost his second testicle.  I am certainly not suggesting that he numbered his testicles but that he couldn’t find two total.  He of course enlisted the medical expertise of one of the camp counselors.  Now I admit that at the time they did seem equally intelligent and aged as any other adult, but now looking back it seems ridiculous.  Can you imagine if you were the 22 y/o asked to look, but certainly not touch!, a 13 y/o’s ball sack.

I thought to myself earlier today, “It’s not that I’m masturbating to a children’s movie.  I’m just masturbating while a kid’s movie happens to be on TV.” #s all around!

I just finished Great Expectations.  I really liked this book! I found that it was clever, easy to relate to, and with an impressive length and classic title, lovely to brag about.  16 CDs long, what gerth!

Cow

Last week I met a man who works for a slaughter house.  Fairly quickly into the conversation he explained two things to me.  First, a “slink” is an unborn calf that is inside a slaughtered cow.  It is the newest rage in dog food to grind the entire “slink” and add it to dog chow.  Second, his company provides the meat for Hebrew National kosher hot dogs.  They employ multiple rabbis that inspect and kill the cows according to the rules of the old testament.  These rules include prayer, only using the front half of the cow, and the kill must be done in one strike with a sword/knife.   The first thing I asked was are these practicing rabbis at a synagogue, he didn’t think so.

English

It strikes me as very odd that all these phrases are used in the same context:

1.  “What in the hell….”

2. “What on earth….”

3. “What in heaven’s name…”

There are exactly two fruit flies living in my apartment.  I have no trash, no food out, no fruit for that matter and yet every week for months I have had exactly two fruit flies bothering me.  Let’s be serious, there are probably four, but they work on shifts to annoy the hell out of me.  I looked it up and fruit flies only live for a couple days so I keep telling myself, “no point in chasing after them because they will be dead and gone before you know it!” yet here it is, 3 months later.

I made an omelet for dinner.  I thought I had some shredded cheese but I was wrong.  So, I used off-brand american cheese and it tasted all right.  But, it looked like there were runny egg yolks all over and that sort of ruined it a bit for me.